A father's day reflection.

Mother’s day came first. Dad was an afterthought. And then Father’s day followed.

But that’s fine. 

You see, Mother’s Day, in many respects, is what matters. ‘Mom’ goes through the nine months of changes, the labor pains.. the glorious feeling when she holds her child.  Dad of course had a hand in the whole affair, but.. .. .. and for that, we know why dads mean something.

I have sought to be the best father, ever. Period. I don’t know how often I sink or swim with my son, Ayden, but I certainly try..

Since the first time I looked at my son’s face, I felt a connection that is stronger than the physical form. This may sound corny, and for non-believers, potentially repugnant, but I see “God” in my son’s eyes. Whatever your idea of God is, of course. Because God may not be the God we think God is, or he may be a she, or maybe just electricity.. or maybe nothing.  But I see more than nothing in my son’s eyes, therefore I know there is something more than nothing—and the something is something I have no clue how to even try to understand.. 

And re-re-reading that paragraph, I know it makes little sense. But life sometimes just… makes little sense.

What does make sense, though, is being a father. Sharing laughs, wrestling matches (without real punches), fights, and love.

Family first. At least according to Adam Sandler in CLICK.

And I follow that motto. Family first.

We certainly don’t have to be friends. But we need to be family.

In 1993, I received a Christmas gift: My mom subscribed me to TIME magazine. I have been a reader since. Though I will admit now over the past 10 years I sometimes page through the smaller than ever print edition and just toss it aside. But in 1993 I read a story called ‘FATHERHOOD’… Never of course, at the age of 13, realizing that 20 years later I’d be celebrating my third father’s day…

And in 2003, ten years after that TIME edition was printed on old paper, I was cruising around in my 1999 RED Volkswagen Jetta, searching for a mate and not realizing my best friend Tara would soon be my wife… While cracking the windows, I played my COMPACT DISC of Simple Plan. I’d Do Anything… And now, ten years later, my son Ayden  is watching 2003 reruns of SCOOBY DOO and he is singing along to songs by Simple Plan, as they did the theme songs and background music for the show.. At one point about three weeks ago, I had Ayden in my car and put my old scratched up CD of Simple Plan in.. and me and my son shared a moment of singing along to music. In 2003 did I ever think I’d have a child, let alone be married? No.. I did not.

This is what happens. Life happens when you are busy making other plans. Right, Mr. Holland? Your Opus proved that..

I think I may go back to the 1993 article of TIME and read what  being a father is all about..Though I think I know.

Being a dad is being there. Being the wrestler in Chief and sometimes the disciplinarian in chief. Easing mom’s tension by taking the child away for a while. Being a friend. A foe. And an ally to the end.

Yes, fatherhood is interesting, beautiful, and amazing. All at the same time. I am glad I am taking part in this grand experiment.

To all the dads out there, including my own: Happy Father’s Day. For a few hours Mom may tell you it’s “your” day. Actually it’s not. It is your child’s day — everyday..

The world at war: Darkness prevails. Even though love abounds.

I have been doing some thinking lately about all this violence, chaos, and nonsense surrounding us on this planet. I haven’t posted anything overly meaningful here in quite some time, so no better time than the present, I suppose.

I look at most things now through vision of a father. I became a proud dad almost two years ago. The world hasn’t changed much since my son was born. Sadly it’s degenerating quickly now. Talk of war, acts of violence.. machines taking over.. a mechanical and technological future of dictatorships and mobile devices that will track you and track everything. Jobs are scarce.. But people are abundant. There is a disconnect there and I don’t know how that will turn out. Do you?

But the most immediate concern seems to be, as usual, the Middle East. Talk of war between Iran and Israel at an all time high. Even China and Japan are in the midst of newfound tensions. And as we know, Libya is .. well, Libya. Lots of other embassies look like our embassy in Libya, too, as violence spreads.

All due to a movie? A MOVIE?

Somehow I don’t buy into that theory.

Nonetheless, it’s happening, and it’s the current theory offered by the powers that be. So for the sake of argument we’ll just go with that..

But as a dad, I think: How do you explain a world of senseless violence and cruelty to a child—a child who just wants to live, learn, and love?

Sadly lots of people ask themselves that daily.

No one to date has found an answer. From the Crusades.. to the Jonestown Massacre.. to our current day insanity of war and needless violence, how can it all keep going like this? Humanity has learned nothing since day 1.

Think about the basic invention that catapulted technology and travel: The wheel. Man created a wheel and from that point we decided to put weapons on it to make them move faster.. and that is about it.

Weapons and war and battle and death. A long trail of tears is dragging behind the human race.  

I think during trying moments in history, the bad always got worse and the good always got better. So hug your kids and love your family, laugh with friends and just smile at a sunset. Because it’s quite frankly all we have to grasp.. Madness is taking place outside our homes. We can lock ourselves in and fear it.. or simply open the window, hear it.. and live our lives anyway. 

I'm contemplating writing a book about a paranoid man dealing with being a father in the 21st century

It will be filled with fact not fiction.
Tales of paranoia and how to deal with it..
Worries over fevers..
Manufactured fears and real ones too.

The only thing about this proposed book is that I first off really don’t know who would read something like this and second, how a paranoid fearful dad who is dealing with things has time to write it.

A work in progress.

Would you read it?

From mild mannered child to .. monster of mayhem. And then he smiles and melts your heart..

Ayden Morris is 16 months old. He is amazing. At times it feels like he’s one of the adults, he tries so hard to be independent. He’ll go so far as to hold the cup with his own hands, but in the process rips it out of yours. He will take walks on his own, but make a fool of you as he whips his hands ferociously away from yours.

And yes, he eats on his own, even if it means he forces utensils out of your hands before you are ready to give them to him.

This is a wild ride. Parenting plus panicking. 
Laughing.. getting angry.. getting sad.. contemplating existence.. contemplating time.. Getting embarrassed as the frenzied flip out occurs at a grocery store checkout counter. 

My wife and I love being parents. We love having the task at hand .. we enjoy having something more important than ourselves being at the center of our marriage and lives. But .. by God, aren’t the terrible 2s supposed to occur when, well, when Ayden turns 2!?

I love the little man.
I love his emotions, as pure as they are.

And yes, even when I wish he wouldn’t get red in the face and belt out louder than a lawn mower on a microphone, I still am amazed as he grows, amazed as he learns.. and can’t wait until he starts asking “Why” to everything.

I think adults stop asking why..

And yes, we stop having meltdowns in grocery stores, too.
But that’s what makes kids more fun, don’t you think? 

I was a young subscriber to TIME magazine, and I remember getting this issue in 1993. I now look back … I was 13 then and I am 31 now. I am a father. Wow.. I am what I’d never thought I’d be when I was 13. But now I am completely fine with that… It just fascinates me how life changes. By the way, I am posting this while my son, Ayden, is messily trying to eat his chicken noodle soup. He got mad at first that there were no crackers in his soup… I am at his command. 

Yes, indeed, how life changes.

I wonder what will be on TIME magazine when he is 13. I wonder if there will be a TIME when he is 13……….

(By the time I was done writing this post, at 7:13 pm EDT this Friday night, Ayden dumped the entire bowl of chicken soup on the floor. Guess he’s not hungry)

…Ayden Morris lost a few hairs this weekend. First haircut while on earth. That is a pretty big deal. He took it well. And I think he looks older.. more distinguished…until he sticks his hand into a big bowl of oatmeal and rubs his face…. 

And…
Drumroll….
This is after:

 

...notable parenting experiences

Last night, for the first time, it happened. Ayden had a very adult session of regurgitation. That is blunt, isn’t it? Blunt indeed. 

I knew the day would come.. he either overate or had some strange stomach issue that lasted for a few hours. No fever. Just … that.

But it tested dad more than mom. She stayed calm. I freaked.

I am a vomit-a-phobe. I am frightened by the idea of vomit, whether it be me or someone else. Something in me has caused this sometimes irrational fear since I was young and dumb. And now as an adult and still dumb, my fear isn’t gone. 

I was there for Ayden, held my nose, and did laundry immediately using ‘hot’ water.. I didn’t even care if the cotton shrunk…

It’s a Friday sick day. Ayden is feeling better. But dad is paranoid that he will be in the same predicament next.

New story: Testosterone plummets when men become fathers

Almost 7 months into fatherhood, I’m not sure. I haven’t tried to put on a dress yet. I still am as paranoid and conspiratorial today as I was 7 months ago.. I like Coors Light and sometimes Lager, just like then. And I still watch the same things on TV. And I have driven a Volkswagen since 2003. 

But I’ll say this, mock this study if you may, I certainly think men become more affectionate and close to family. And maybe that’s all in the chemicals.. all in the science. I just don’t know. If we do lose the manly traits, maybe it’s all for the best. This from the PBS account of emasculation: 

For instance, high levels of testosterone increase a man’s risk of reproductive cancers, especially prostate and testicular cancer. It can also suppress immune function, making it more difficult to protect the body against infections.

So perhaps this child of mine will save me from the worse aspects of manhood. And maybe I’ll regain my masculinity in due time… Play ball with my son, and wonder why I cry when I miss the catch…….

New story: Testosterone plummets when men become fathers

And here is my son Ayden helping me blog… could it be, the first 5-month-old Tumblr? …the subject matter at hand: Teething in the 21st century. Digital diapers. Microchips in the milk! The paranoia could start early…

My strange and rambling thoughts on being a father in the 21st century

Someone who read this already said it was overly negative. But I present it as a hopeful series of thoughts.. It’s not a fun world, but as a parent, I’m trying .. and making my child’s life the best ever is now the central point of why I am here.

Oh the perils of parenthood.. the faulty ground of fatherhood.. So much running through my mind these days as my son grows older.

Back in February when a new life entered this world, my wife and I celebrated.. As time goes on, I become more fearful.

It seems that civilization itself is a heap of wreckage. It appears that society is breaking down and becoming a swampland of corruption.. The entire land of the free and home of the brave seemingly is circling in a toilet of depravity. Maybe I’m just overdoing the amount of bad news out there, but a few notes of interest lately showcase why I am a fearful father.

The TSA is groping children—or at least they were going to—at a prom. Checking for weapons.. the breeding ground for a pscyhological test appears to have begun at airports. And now, in our modern day life, we are faced with a future in which some could be touching, groping, and grabbing, all in the name of security, at proms, schools, churches, old-lady lunches, trains, and whever else one can envision people freely moving. 

Tornadoes and other natural disasters seem to be occurring on an extreme level. Sure, we’ve been here before. Our atmosphere has a history, and tsunamis, earthquakes, and devastation all took place on this pale blue dot before. But this time, it seems different… it seems quite frightening. It is almost as though we are on a hair trigger, and at any moment the bottom could fall out from under us..

The economy is getting no better. Jobs are painfully few… McDOnalds just hired 50,000 folks, all whom won’t get health care since the Obama Administration gave the company a waiver. How quaint. Burger King tells you that you can have it your way.. McDonalds, however, has it their way.

Corruption is everywhere. Child prostition rings, disgusting abuse of our elderly, horrible treatment of innocent civilians in warfare… all of which adds up to a world in utter chaos.. It can lead even the most religious person to wonder aloud of there is a God that is watching. After all, if a higher power is watching how could such disgraceful abuse of human life itself be tolerated.. At least hopefully there is a God keeping good notes.

GMO crops frighten me… Buffoons declaring that the end of the world is coming alarm me because so many others follow them, often into oblivion or even mass Kool Aid induced suicide.  Just pick your flavor and drink away..

Sure the news is bad. Yes it seems bleak. And bringing a child up in a world of war is troubling.

However…when I sleep at night, and hear the quiet breath of my baby boy, I myself sleep better. When I look at my wife, see me child, know that he has grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, family and friends, all who love him, it gives me a bit more hope for my sometimes hopeless mind.

Being a parent isn’t easy. As a matter of fact, everyone I spoke to who was already a parent told me it wasn’t going to be a simple affair at all. 

But what I find easy is the hard stuff… late night feedings, boxes of diapers, belly aches, gas, and fevers.. All of that is a part of the natural progression of life. 

I expected all of that. 

What I never expected was the wide range of emotions when I read the news…the idea of sitting at a table with my son on some future day, where I need to explain why some grown persons don’t treat other persons with dignity.. why murder happens.. why masachistic child torture takes place.. and why sometimes people in a distant land want to destroy innocent purity. That, my friends, may be the most difficult thing I’ve even come across.

What prompts this verbose text? This morning, I saw a snippet in my morning paper about a mom in New York City, right after giving birth, tossing her newborn child down a dumpster. The baby lived. It was saved by a maintenance man who heard the muffled cries of the suffering life form. The mom was arrested. And that was that.. another story of another sad beginning of another life on earth.

I want to save children from this.. I yearn to break out of my conditioned negativity, despite all the negative, and work against established norms, because those norms are so oftern perverted by men who declare the ‘norms’ to be normal. 

I want purity. Honesty. Love. I believe the whole of society is better than the worst of society. For sure, though, we see the worst on the front pages and top stories of our newcasts. 

I want to teach my son to be himself, treat others with respect. And I want to tell him to ignore all the others who don’t.. because in the end, they go against human nature and have given in to a cult of decadence that has never given any good people a good outcome. 

No it won’t be easy. But neither are those late night feedings. And my wife and I are happily doing that.

Wish us luck.

And good luck to you too… Hope these words light a fire of goodness and love within your heart.